devastation

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I thought today was going to be it. Finally to get the answers. That's what they promised me. The liver consultant told me that the only way they could differentiate between the 5 or 6 possible causes of my elevated LFT's was the biopsy and so, reluctantly I agreed.

This morning I woke at 6am in pain and anxiety. I could hardly wait for the results and I was outside liver out-patients before it even opened. I wasn't even thinking about the pain clinic and all the rest of the shit.

'It's inconclusive' said the nice young registrar

'what do you mean inconclusive?' says I?

'They weren't able to tell from the biopsy what is causing the elevation in your ALT AST and GGT. We already knew you had chronic hepatitis and that's still all we know - it might be the infliximab, but the infliximab might have changed the course of an auto-immune hepatitis that was existing'

After all the anguish, anxiety, pain and fear I'm no further. I say to him 'the reason I agreed to the procedure was that the other registrar told me that if these LFT's remained high like this long term that I would develop cirhossis - - - so what is the answer?

'We dont know what is it that is causing the elevation like I said, currently there is s small amount of scarring and fibrosis and I'll have to talk to the histopathologist to see if he asked the right questions from the sample and I'll call you in the next week or so, otherwise we'll see you back in clinic in 2 months'

The histo report reads like a death sentence to me, and a long painful one at that, just like Caro's. Im just too devastated to think what to do next, truly ...

Pain clinic was a pain, a two our wait, but some reasonable solutions were put forward including non drug stuff but she advised to stick wih butrans patches too.

I just think now that everyone has come to the end with me: I am ruining Murat's life day by day hour by hour, and my Mothers too. I'm too fed up. I want to go to Forge valley and be 10 again riding my grifter through the valley. What have I done with this body, this life? I squandered it. I wasted it, ... the apple never falls far from the tree does it?

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